Can I please call in sick?!

SICK, SICK, SICK, SICK
my whole family has been sick for what feels like forever. My poor two year old face was so red and sore from his eye and nose running. When I called the doctor all they can tell me it to spray simple saline up his nose. That only made his nose and eyes worse. Do these doctors have kids? So after a V     E     R     Y long week both kids are feeling better and they wanted to give me a gift for helping to make them feel better. My wonderful kids who I let wipe their noses on my shirt, cough in my face, keep my up all night, for doing all of this for them they decided to give me the gift of  yes you guessed it,the flu.
I do not think there is anything in the world worse then having the flu. Well maybe I could have the flu and be a man because if I had the flu and I was a man I am sure I would be dying, but that's a whole other story. No I am a mom with the flu. That means I have to do everything I would do if I didn't have the flu, but I have to do it feeling like shit. There should be so type 1-800-sick-mom line. You know you call in and they send in a sub, she comes in cooks, cleans, ands doing all your running while you lie in bed getting better. I think this is only fair. When the kids are sick we don't make them go to school. When my husband is sick I don't make him do things. Why does a mom have to do ALL the mom things when she is sick. Well I am protesting I'm going back to bed, this is my sick day.

Anal Therapy

I went to the doctors today. It was one of those kind of appt. you know the kind you can't wait to go to because you want to know what is wrong, but your scared to go to because of what could be wrong. My family has so much cancer in it that I really thought I was going to go there today and find out that she thinks that I may have a form of anal or rectal cancer. Well thank God no tumor. Just a humroid with a harmless small blood clot.We also talked about my constipation issue, she thinks I may have a palvic floor issue. If I do I will have to go to some sort of Physical Therapy to re-train my bum so that I can go. So next time I am having a bad day all I will have to think about is my for real anal therapy, and I am sure it will bring a smile to my face.

never grow up

your little hand's wrapped around my finger,and it's so quiet in the world tonight yourl little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming. So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light. To you everthing's funny you got nothing to regret. I'd give all I have, honey if you could stay  like that.
Oh darling don't you ever grow up
don't ever grow up,just stay little
oh darling, don't ever grow, don't you ever grow up
it could stay this simple, I won't  let nobody hurt you,
won't let no one break your heart and no one will desert you
just try to never grow up

you're in the car on the way to the movies and you're mortied your mom'sdropping you off at 14 there's just so must you can't do, and you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots but don't make her drop you off around the block rember that she's getting older too and don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school
Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
just stay this little, oh darling, don't you ever grow up
don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
no one's ever burned you, nothing ever left you scarred
and even though you want to please try to never grow up
take pctures in your mind of your childhood room memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home remember the footsteps, remember the words said and your little brothers favorite songs I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone so here I am in my new apartment in a big city they just droppeed me off it's much colder than I thought it would be so I tuck myself in and turn my night light on
wish I'd never grown up, I wish I'd never grown up
oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little,oh I don't wanna grow up
wish I'd never grown up, it could still be simple
oh darling don't ever grow, don't ever grow up
just stay this little, it could stay this simple
won't let nobody hurt, won't no one break your heart
and even though you want to please try to never grow up, never grow up


Taylor Swift
Speak Now 

Do Christian's Judge?

I went to a mother's group meeting today with my sister. I have gone before sometimes it is nice to see how other mothers think and feel about motherhood. It also gives Jonathan a chance to play with other children his own age too. So I went today and they had a speaker, from what I gather they don't have speakers very often lucky me I choose a day with a speaker. So I am sitting there and the first part is him talking about when our children become teenagers we will have to learn to speak to them in a new way. Well no shit, come on sweetie do it for mommy won't work anymore. I know that every generation has their own way of saying and doing things that make them, them and as a parent I will need to know how to relate to him. Not saying I will have to go out and party with my child because that will not happen and anyone that spends anytime with me will be very aware on how I feel about drugs. But anyway I was fine with that part of what he had to say. Then he started talking about how teens ofter talk about God in a very broad way and it like could be use to tell how they feel about any religion. He then went on tell a story about some people that had come knocking on his door from The Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. He said they were not able to explain or express any type of person walk with the Lord in his eyes so there for their religion was wrong. So for me right there, is why I DON'T GO TO CHURCH.   It took me right back to one of my earlier post "Who is God"  I felt myself getting mad at him. Who was he to stand up there on his high horse and judge one-that what these people say is their personal walk with the Lord is not Personal enough to be a true one on one walk & two- to say that they should not worship the Lord they way that they choose to do. I can't find it my heart to believe that there is only one way to pray to God. That he can only have people call out to him in one voice. We where given free will, and with that free will came sin but it also came free will to worship God in hundreds of wonder ways. Some people need to stand sit stand sit and say and to you father over and over to feel like they are doing God's will, some have to face this way or that way and pray at this hour to feel that they are close to God, and the list can go on and on. I don't know who is right and who is wrong. He doesn't know either. We can not judge people unless we want them to judge us. We do not know. One day when get to haven and we are standing outside of gates and beside us is the Jewish man from down the road and the gate open and you both go walking in and look at each other like is this opening for me or you, and then a voice from off in the clouds calls to you laughing and simply replyes your silly humans come sit and have some tea you have so much steal to learn. I personally think that will be the biggest eye opening moment for humans as a race to realize that GOD LOVES ALL HIS CHILDREN, not just the "CHRISTIAN'S"

Bad day my ass!

Yesterday was one of the worse day I have had in a really long time. I woke up in a lot of pain. Every part of my body hurt. My fingers,arms, shoulders,neck,head,back I think you get what I mean. My mind felt like fog, every thought took forever to form in my mind. Everything I did took so long. Simple things on TV made me cry. I did not feel like myself to say the least. For some reason, something stupid John and I got into a fight and I just left the house. I got in the car I had no where I need or wanted to go. I didn't even feel up to driving. The car was a little low on gas, I didn't even have a dollar in my purse so first I had to go to the ATM and then to get gas. There where two Mexican men there getting gas too one of them kept pointing and laughing at me. I almost started crying while I was pumping gas. I have nothing bad to say about people talking in their native toung but if you are going to make fun of me on the worse day of my life at least say it so that I know what you are saying, if I have to try to figure it out I am sure what I come up with is going to be way worse.  I come straight come after that. This whole time I keep thinking he is going to call wondering where I went. This is the first time in ten years that I have just got up and left.  He never called. When I got home he didn't yell for me so I went looking for him. He was up-stairs on the computer. He just looked at he and said "H" and asked me and then asked me if I need anything. I said no and then started crying so hard that I was soon on the ground crying so hard that I could hardly breath. He tells me to go lay down, settle down, catch my breath and  clear my mind, 20 or so minutes later he is acting like nothing happened. So that's that the day moves on. No talking about it no more crying for me. I go to bed early. Thank God when I woke up today I was feeling better. I am on anti-depressant for pain management  so you tell my why do I now feel somewhat depressed., and have more down days. I guess it's like the wise old question" Mr. Owl. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie roll center of a Tootsie role center of a Tootsie roll lollie pop?'

A Great Family Day

I had a great day today with my family. We took the boys ice skating. It was the first time for both of them. They both did really well. Jonathan our 2 year old was able to skate all by himself after a little help. I'm tired and worn out and ready to sleep for 2 days. I always feel great after spending the days with my family. I love being a mom.

I Shall Believe

I been reading some things that other women wrote that have fibromyalgia, and I have talked to some to. One thing that most of them have in common is that their husband or boyfriend left them. My husband and I have such a great relationship that and I don't think he is going anywhere. He really is my best friend. It is coming up on our 9th wedding anniversary. We meet when I was 19 well just before I turn 20 and thing took off like a wild fire. I moved in after only 3 months, he asked me to marry him 2 months later we started trying to have a baby that fall March 2002 we found out we there was a little one on the way got married on April 2, 2002. So in just one year we meet fell in love and got married. To this day my heart still skipped a beat when I look at him. His mom set us up kinda, see I worked with her he came walking in one day I looked at her said " Who the f*ck is that" she said "my son" later he asked her the same thing about me. He ended up asking me to dinner a few days later, and like I said things moved fast. He was everything I said I would never fall in love with. He was not my normal type. I think that is why we work. But I have to tell the truth after listening to all these women I wonder if he is going to get fed up with his 30yr old wife that is pain and complains about it. I don't know what I would do without him he is my soul mate. I was wild and out of control before I met him. He pulled me in, and showed me that I am worth being loved. So as we near are 9th wedding anniversary even if it's a lie say it will be alright and I shall believe

                                                            I SHALL BELIEVE
                                                                    by: Sheryl Crow


Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

This song keeps playing over and over in my mind. I need to get what those women keep saying out of my mind. I know what John and I have is something that many people only dream about.  He is the love of my life. I believe that we will be there holding each other when we are both in our 90's.

                                                                JD
                                                                 +
                                                               MD
                                                               4ever

snow days suck

I feel like my head is going to explode. I wish I could just hide in my room with the radio turn up like I did when I was in high school. My oldest son is having the kind of day that a 15yr old girl has when she is having her period, yeah lots of fun. My 2 1/2 yr. just wants to play with him that is making it so much worse. The dog is going crazy because there is a stray running around outside. When ever your child has a snow day the parents should have the option of going to the school.  I love my children, but I hate snow days. 

Exposed

1. I knew my dad would get over the cancer, but now he is drinking so we traded apples or oranges. I love my dad I knew that the cancer would not kill him at that time drinking was not even on my mind, I don't have that same feeling about drinking and my dad I think that the drinking will kill him.
2.I give food at stores if there is a food drive, at Christians school any where I see one. I send penny's or other change to school with Christian for the class penny race that goes to the food bank. I put money in the little card holders at stores that say feed the children or that type of stuff. I have given money to homeless people on the street, paid for someone food in front of me if they did not have enough and they looked like they needed a little help, even if it meant I had to go without eating. John and I have been there when getting by with little food was hard, and I don't want to stand by and watch and do nothing.
I do not hate God, I know he is there. I am just mad at him. My son has such a hard time with so many things and that is so hard as a MOM to have to watch your young child go through. Christian has such a good heart that gets overlooked because he has a hard time sitting for 8hours. He wants to learn, to read, to do math. He loves school even when the other kids don't want to play with him. He is far far from the perfect kid I know this. He has ADHD his brain is hardwired wrong. He was a child born out of love that was wanted by both his father and I . He has been loved and cared for every day of his live and still he is broken, God sent me a broken child and that makes me mad. I would never want to re-place Christian but if I could fix that part of his brain and make his life better I would. And I am in pain 24/7 I feel like I have the flu every day. I hurts to walk, my brain gets foggy and I forget what I am trying to say. You look really stupid when you can't remember how old your son is or who is teach is, and your just standing there going um um yeah. Before I had Jonathan I was fine. No pain, no fog. I love my baby sooo much. He make our family a complete family. Just like a wedding ring is round and never ending Jonathan was that missing piece of our ring now our family is never ending. But at times I find my mind wondering off about what if I never had him would I still be well. What kind of mother thinks things like that? I know God is there, but when I go to church my skin crawls, I don't feel God in church I feel greed. I feel laws that are broken be covered up. I feel judged. I do feel God when I am out in Nature but nature doesn't speak back. I just think I am going through a rough time. This has never happened to me before. I have always know who I was and what I believed in. Being sick makes me feel weak. Maybe my weakness is what I am blaming on God

This is my Aunts Thoughts about some of my questions I have been asking

Dear Melissa,
First let me say you have not been the first to ask such difficult questions. Before I go into my personal answer. I would like to challenge you to read through the Bible and ask God Himself. He is not one who withholds information. He wants all of His children to know Him to know His character. Yes you are right the grass, the trees , the sunset all are beautiful creations from God. Gifts to us. But God’s most precious creation is man and woman, I am sure you were able to recognize that when you gave birth to your sons. He delights in us and never ever desires harm to come to us. He has a plan for each one of us and it is a good plan, a plan to prosper us and not to harm us to give us hope and a future.
In His creating us He gave us free will. And I am sure you remember how Satan was the Angel who was in charge of worship and he became jealous and thought he could be like God. Pride came in and he fell from Heaven with one third of the angels. So Satan and the third of the angels are demonic spirits now. We chose in this life whom we will serve Satan or God. Now your first questions.
Remember these are my answers and again I encourage you to ask Him yourself.
1.Why if God is so Great and Heals people, are so many of his people dying illness? First there is sin in the world. Satan has convinced us that what ever feels good do it. Well there are consequences to our choice good or bad. Not all people are sick because they personally have sinned. But sin in the world effects everything. Secondly we have become proud, we have so many intelligent doctors in the world who “we think” have all the answers. Yes God has given Doctors wisdom. And yes some of His children die but some are healed as well. We have become so dependant on Doctors that we have forgotten the simple truth of God. He is our Healer! So we ask Doctors to heal us instead of God. We all need to see Doctors and follow their advise at times, I am not saying you should not see Doctors. Luke in the bible was a doctor. We all also need to ask God to heal us, and pray for him to heal others. Who have you prayed for God to heal and believed that He could and would?
2. If Jesus was able to turn water to wine why and feed a great number of people with one loaf of bread, are there so many children going to bed hungry and waking up without clean water to drink?
Well Jesus did turn water to wine and He did feed multitudes with a loaf or bread and two fishes.? You see we all have a responsibility to participate in ending world hungry and other devastating crisis in the world. If we would follow the instruction given in the bible there would be no world hungry and all would have clean drinking water. We all walk in our own way, what seems right to us and ignore the instructions God has clearly line out for us to follow. It is called PRIDE What have you personally done to feed the hungry and give clean water to those without?
3. Why do so m any people talk about finding God at the lowest point of their life, but so few ever talk about finding him at the high point? This is the simplest to answer because people only recognize their need for God when they are at a low point in their life. When they are at high points they “think” they are doing great and the way “they” are going is right. The thoughts in a mans heart seem right to him. It is only when things fall apart that we begin to think maybe we don’t have it all together maybe we don’t have all the answers. Once again PRIDE
4. Why do people say things like “it all in God’s hand’, “ God never give you more than you can handle” Every things happens for a reason” “It’s all part of God’s plan” when something bad happens? People are people and they don’t know what to say so they say whatever comes to mind. The really do want to make you feel better and in their inability to fix what has happen they seek to make it somehow seem right. I think it stems from if God is okay with it then it must be good. Let me tell you God grieves when we grieve, God hurts when we hurt, God desire is for good not harm, but life happens and when bad things happen He will walk us through it, if we want Him to, but He will never force Himself on anyone, remember He gave us the choice. Life will be perfect in eternity with God and not until then.

As to your comments about God being bored, oh dear God is never ever bored. God knows who He is and what He is capable of and He desires for each of us to know who we are and what we are capable of in this life. He desire is that we live an abundant life and that means every area. He is ever working in order that we might catch a glimpse of His plan for our lives. His choice, His destiny for us. If we just let go of our pride admit we are unable to walk through this life without him, and put our trust in who He is the lover of our soul.
5. I don’t know why God does things the way he does. Do you?
God does things the way He does them because He knows best. He sees the whole world at once. He see the big picture, the whole tapestry, however you want to say it, but let me be clear in stating I believe that there are allot of things that people blame on God that are not God’s doing at all, they are a result of living in a sinful world which started with pride and continues to spiral in the wrong direction because man continues to follow his own way, thinking he knows best and caring only for Himself. Pride

Dear Melissa I don’t understand everything about God or His ways but I also admit I don’t understand my self many times, my own prideful actions, my prideful ways. But without a shadow of doubt I know that God is a God full of compassion and mercy and grace and His love for mankind is unfathomable. I challenge you to read through the bible yourself and be honest with God and yourself, he already understands you and He delights in you!

Kiss it and make it all better

I haven't been feeling the best this last week. My whole body aches and is stiff. The best way to describe it is well it's like having the flu but it doesn't go away. I am starting to feel a little better today. We took our boys over to my husband grandfathers farm, there are 4 new baby sheep. The boys had a blast.  Even though I wasn't feeling the best it was still great to go out with them and watch their faces as they held the babies.  I guess that is one of those great things about being a mom, sometimes all it takes is a smile or a huge from your  little one to make your pain go away. When your a teen you and your friends sit and talk about things like remember how dumb we where when we thought our mom's could kiss our boboos and make them all better. But once we become a parent I think it's when your children kiss you for no reason. When they just run up put their arms around you kiss you right on your lips look you right in the eye and say love you Mommy. Then they are the ones that make our pain go away, even if it is only gone for a short time our children have the power to heal us. Their kiss can make our boboos go away, all better.

You Tell Me

It cannot be so
  you say
simple hands
cannot change the
fate of humanity.
   I say
Humanity is a boundless,
absorbing heart transcending
death & generations
and centuries absorbing bullets
and stitches and tear gas
enduring humiliation
and illeagal abortions
and thankless jobs
   I say to you
the heart of Humanity
has not and will not be broken
And let us raise ourselves like lanterns
with  the millions of others- with the mad
and  the forgotten
and the strong of heart to shine.
Jewel

Today

Warm weather and sunshine life is good today, life is good today!

WHY GOD?

Why if God is so GREAT and Heal people, are so many of his people dying of illness? If Jesus was able to turn water into wine, and feed a great number of people with one loaf of bread, are there so many children going to bed hungry and waking up without clean water to drink? Why do so many people talk about finding God at the lowest point in their life, but so few ever talk about finding him at the high point? Why do people say things like "It's in God's hand" "God never gives you more than you can handle" Everything happens for a reasn" "It's all part of God's plan" when something bad happens. I mean really, why would God have a "plan" or want us to "handle"  things that bring us to our knees?
I know when I look at the sun set- the a flower- a blade of grass, that so much time a thought went into every part of life. and sometimes I just wonder if maybe God is tired, or bored and that is why the bad things in life happen. Is he trying to test us and see if we will call on him, trust on him, need him. Kinda like a jealous boyfriend but with way more power. Sometimes I wonder if God has low self-esteam and that is why he needs praised all of the time. You know what I mean like he doesn't get how great he is so he likes to be told over and over. I don't know why he does things the way he does. Do you?

WHY GOD?

Tied Together With A Smile

seems the only one who doesn't see Your beauty is the face in the mirror looking back at you
you walk around here thinking you're not pretty but that's not true,cause I know you....

hold on, baby, you're losing it
the water's high, you're jumping into it
and letting go... and no one knows
you cry, but you don't tell anyone
thay you might not be the golden one
and you're tied together with a smile
but you're coming undone

i guess it's true that love was all you wanted cause you're giving it away like its extra change hoping it will end up in his packet but he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
oh,cause it's not his price to pay not his price to pay

hold on, baby, you're losing it
the water's high, you're jumping itno it
and letting go... and no one knows
you cry, but you don't tell anynoe
that you might not be the golden one
and you're tied together with a smile
but you're coming undone

Tatlor Swift

I really like her. This song is off her first cd I have heard this cd 1000x but  I only listened to the words of this song the other day. I think every woman feels this way at one point in there life ant that is why I posted the lyics. I think that if you have a young girl in your life,even it it is not your daughter you really need to make sure that you tell her how much she is worth. I wasted my teen years not feeling good about myself. I went from one boyfriend to the next boyfriend that did not treat me nice just because my selfworth was low. I got lucky and found a man that treats my great and that really loves me. Not every girl that was like me in thier teens ends up so lucky. Evey girl deservs to feel like she is the most beauty girl in the world. Something as simpile as saying you look really pretty in that dress, your hair looks nice can really brighten her day. If you see a girl out there that looks like she may need a little help take the time you just might help change the corse of her life.
Lissa

Love is Life

The greatest gift God gave us is love. The greatest gift we can give to someone is love. Sometimes we have no choice but to love. The love I have for my children is not something I chose. I love them with my whole being. There is nothing they could ever do to make me stop loving them. I loved them from the moment I know that they where growing inside of me. That love is just there.  Sometimes you have to chose to love. It may not be easy to love someone like your sister or brother in law if you don't feel like they are right for your sibling. There is the love between two friends that know each other secrets, and supports each others dreams. Love is something that you give and receive, and sometimes you have it pulled out from under you without a moments notice. It's like falling on your face, painful but the hurt heals and your willing to get out there and look for it again. There is first love, where your heart beats so fast you swear that it is going to come flying out of you chest. And that first kiss that leaves your head feeling dizzy. And for those of us that are lucky there is true love. That kind of love that makes you feel safe. The kind of love where you don't even have to say the words all you have to do is touch the other persons hands and you both know. That is the kind of love you hold onto, that you grow old together with.  Love is one thing that makes life worth living. Love is Life

The little things, show me there is a God out there.

Sometimes the little things in life make you happy. This pictue was taken off my back deck. This is how I know there is a God out there. This was sunset tonight.

A Glass Half Full

Some days I look at the class half full and other well it's not so full. Today my glass is pretty full. My baby boy just asked me for a kiss. My oldest son has had a good week in school. Last week he did really well on both of his test. I have a husband that I fall in love with a little more each day. It's days like this that make me want to stop the earth from turning so that I can hold onto this moment for ever. I really do have a great life, some days are hard and sad, frustrating they leave me thinking about what is wrong in the world. Not today, today is great day, no bad thoughts today. Today my glasses are rose tinted. Don't forget to try a pair on from time to time it's nice to be happy.

I don't want to go to your church so don't ask.

 I have gone to a few churches. I try to like them. Sometimes I even start off liking them. It never last very long. It goes back to my teen years. When I was in my mid to late teens I went to a small church that was very close. The pastor of that churh had a son who liked to party. So one Sunday I am not sure if it was to make herself  feel better or to try and warn our parents or what but she went off the deep end. First when I said I went to a small church for real like maybe 10 teens so yeah she was talking about us like us 10 not ingeneral. She started her sermen one Sunday about the teengirl in the church needed to dress more modest, that we where all having sex with random boys, and drinking and doing drugs. Even if any of this was true about just one of us, it was not fair to do that to us in front of the intirer church  just because she was hurting. It felt like we where being put out in front of a hungry pack of wolfs with meat tied around our neck. My perents where not there that Sunday, and at the point in my life my mother new where I stood as far as sex,and all that stood. The other girls some of them where still virgins where still looked at like drunk whores. That was the first time I felt let down by "the church" because no one even tried to stop her. That was the last time I went to that church.
I then started going back to the church I went to as a small child the head pastor the was cought having sex with a hocker, I wonder how on one new how far he had straded. Where was he leading his flock. Once again I felt let down and left.
Not long after that a women I looked up to. Someone who to me was a good wife, a good mother and a women of Christ that was fun to be around. She was the kind of woman I wanted to be. She was a mentor and a friend. Sometimes you look at people and only see what you want to see and I think that is what I did in this case. We lost touch. I hope he life is working out well.
I would go to this chuch once or twice or that church but nothing ever felt like home.
A girl I worked with had told my that my childhood church had a new pastor and had made some changes that I should check it out. So on Christmas Eve my husband, oldest son and I went it was wonderful. We started going and for the couple of months things where ok. As the weeks went on I started to notice that they talked alot about money. I mean they would spend like 15 minutes each week talking about offerings. It started to down on me. When I was very lilttle because of some work my uncle does through that church I got to see some of the homes of the pastors that work there. No the churches do not own the houses. We would be invited for dinner or lunch that is how I got to see the house, they where big.  So after I remebered that I started looking at the cars parked in the Pastor's Parking spots nice cars. by the way this church has more then one pastor. This churh is really big and they wanted to build a new wing and put the BIGGEST cross you could ever think of on top the building. No wonder they had to talk about money ALL the time. The started talking about legacy gifts thats what they where calling offerings over $10,000. Two weeks in a row the entire sermen was about these $10,00 legacy gifts. Once again I felt let down and have not been back to that or any other church. If I only wanted to talk about money I would watch Money watch on TV.

I don't think a CHURCH is the place for me. I think I put to much pressure on the building and everyone in it to live up to my standerd. Maybe whrn someone is put in charge of  a building and is given money that others have GIVEN to him, they feels the need to make the building bigger and then needs more money to see that dream come true. If he acts as if it is God's will to make the church bigger people are more willing to help him reach his goal. The leaders of the church also need to keep themselfs in the livestyle that he and his family have become use to. So if the price of gas has gone up then the offerings need to go up to keep the Hummer full so the wife can go to me mall to buy a $500 purse so that leads to the Pastor needing to remind the church members that the Bible tell them to give with a willing heart.
I think Iwill stay home on Sunday and pray with my family there. I know where to find good and I don't think you need to go to church to do so.

Thank You

This is dedicated to my oldest friend.
I will not forget the morning when I was sitting at my mothers kitchen table when in walks one of her oldest friends. She makes herself a cup of coffee lights up a cigarette looks at my mom and starts to cry. My mom ask her what's wrong? She looks up and yells " They are taking my baby, she is going to war, my baby"
She goes off to war and thank God she comes back safe.
The other day I was listening to the radio and a song came on called Jesus and Soldiers. One of the lines went something like (Only two men have ever died so that I could be free, I thank God everyday for Jesus and soldiers)
That got me thinking, I don't think I have ever once thanked her for being brave enough to fight for my freedom. When she went of to war we where both young I didn't want to think of where she was or what she was going through so I just pretended that like so many other summers she was at her grandmothers, in the fall in my mind she was just off at school. She was much braver then me.
I need her to know that I am sorry that I did not thank her then. I would like to THANK YOU now. Thank you for standing up for our freedom. Thank you for standing up for our rights. Thank you for standing up for the rights of our children. I don't know why it took me so long to realize what you have put on the line for all of us. I mean I am not stupid I know what is on the line. I mean to really Feel the meaning of what you have been willing to put on the line. I love you and have so much respect for you. I promise I will not forget what you have done.
I would also like to thank each and every soldier out there. I have started to talk to my boys about what it means to be a hero. That is what each and everyone of you are a hero.
Thank You!

Not a Good Day

Not a good day! It is raining and cold today. They are calling for snow. The air over Pittsburgh hangs heavy our beloved Pittsburgh Steelers where not able to bring home the win. Our hearts may be sad, but our heads are held high here in Steeler Country we know that next fall brings a new season and with that a new chance to go at it again. So let us have this day to be sad.

The wrong path?

When I was about 16 or so my mother started telling my "You better watch what you are doing. I think your heading down the wrong path" Or "Those friends of yours are leading you down the wrong path" I would get so mad and shout back " Well it's my life and my path to take" this did not always go so well.  I swear she talked about this path I was heading down like I was really going down some bad dark road in some inner city in some gang war zone. So for the next two years That is all I would hear about do you think having sex before you are married will lead you down the right path? Do you think not going to collage will lead you down the right road? I would tell just let me go let me figure this out on my own. This is my life, "MY PATH" if that is what you want to call it. I would get so mad like am I car and now you would like to trade me in for the model you wanted. The model with GPS that only goes down the right paths so sorry you got the human model and I make what you call wrong turns. I got married at 21 and she stopped with the path talk. I even think she is happy with where I ended up in life.  I have not thought have my past called my path  for eight years until the other day when the girl I was best friends with in high school had posted something talking about paths. I think it went something like if you don't like the path your on chose a different destination. It got me thinking. I think I ended up in a really great place. I have two great boys. A wonderful husband. I have a marriage that most be can only wish for. I don't drink, or do drugs. I am not in debt.  So for all of the wrong paths I was told I took I sure ended up at the right destination. I don't really think you can ever really know where the path is going to take you. I enjoyed my journey, I love where it has taken me. 

I got old to quick!

I look back three years ago and think where did that woman go? My husband and I would take our son biking on the weekends. We would go on long walks. I was working full time, a mom, a wife. We where a young family really having a lot of fun.  I found out I was pregnant in November of 2008, we where sooo happy. That is where the sands of times started to turn. As my baby grew my body decided it no longer liked me. Ok, I know when your prego you may have some morning sickness, I had all day everyday sickness for real. Most women gain a few pounds not me not even one. The day I went home from the hospital after having him I weighed about 25lbs less then I did the day I found out I was having him. I also had kidney stones when I was 18 weeks along. I had to go in for sonograms every two weeks because of the weight loss to make sure he was growing, and because there was to much fluid about the baby. Ok so fast forward I have him.  Three, four, five months past and I just can't seem to get my energy back, I have this non-stop head ache, I can't sleep. I am sooo tired. I know by this point it is past the readjusting point and that something is wrong. Before we get into this let me just say I love Jonathan the Dr. think the pregnancy my have brought this all on. That doesn't even matter I would still go back and have him again because I love him he completed our family.  Ok back to the story, they started testing me for this and for that. Can't find anything. At this point my arms and legs hurt all the time. After a MRI the rule my head ache as Migraine's, but still no answer for everything else so more and more test. Ok it looks like I might I Lyme disease so the start treating me for that. They start with a months worth of one antibiotic. I start the antibiotic, with each pill I take I seem to itch a little more my feet start to swell. My legs start to swell got red and hot. Yeah I was allergic. So I needed a new antibiotic, I get one take it for a month. Being on a strong Antibiotic for a month come with it's own issues. After all of that I find out I never had Lyme. After about three or four more months a spinal tap and to many test to count they decide that I have Fibromyalgia I no longer work. I am in a lot of pain most of the time. I went form taking NO meds in 07 to taking 11 now most of these I take at least twice a day. There is this grand thing the call Fibro Fog that is great. It is just that a foggy brain. Feels a lot like seeing a person at a party that you know you know but not being able to think of their name, or walking in a room to get something and not remembering what it was. I also take Topamx for my migraines one of its s is side effects Topafog yes same thing as Fibro Fog, yeah me double dose. So sometimes talking to me is a lot of fun just ask my husband (I am so lucky to have him he has been my rock) I love him! The pain I can handle, stupid me I can handle. What gets to me is I feel like I am letting my children down. My oldest son has lost the "Mom" he once knew, and my youngest son will never get to meet her. Christian(8) gets so mad when I can't do something, forget something or when I just don't want touched because it hurts to bad. Jonathan(2) will never have that mom that runs and plays, rolls around in the grass, has water battles in the sun with him. I wonder if they will grow up mad because I didn't do more. I feel like I have become a spectator in my own life, watching my children grow up while I sit on the side lines. It is like I woke up one morning old, tired and worn out. I just want my body back. I love my family I just want to be able to join in the fun is that to much to ask?

Where is Hell?

Why when people have a near death experience are they never standing outside of Hells gate? Just wondering. Is that so they go back to their bodies and do good? But if they think they are going to go to heaven anyway, why would they think they would have to change anything. I know your soul goes somewhere. But do we all just go to "Heaven" or do the Gates of Heaven and Hell look the same? I guess as long as we are living we will never know.

Who is God?

Who is God? That is one of the big question floating around in my head. Don't get me wrong I know there is a God out there. I just don't know what version of God is the right one. There are so many different religions out there in this world, each with their version of God, or Gods. I just can't look at a person who choices to worship their God in their way and not in my way and tell them no you are going to Hell. I will talk about Hell later. We think this way because the BIBLE tells us this is so. The Bible was wrote by a man or men and then re-interpreted again and again by other men over the years to get us to the version that most of use know. Guess what as humans we make mistakes.What if somewhere in somewhere in translation we got it all wrong?  Maybe this was just how this man felt about God and how he thought we should worshiped The Father The Son and the Holy Spirt. Maybe that is how it is with ALL religious "handbooks" just a book wrote by a man telling us how to worship "Thier" God . What I am getting at is even though it may seem like different religions are worshipping different Gods, what if we are just worshipping ONE GOD in DIFFERENT ways. It just seems right to me that if loving and worshipping Jesus  brings you peace, and worshipping Budda brings you peace then maybe God isn't a religion, but a wonderful Spirt that doesn't need a NAME

My 2 Boys

These are my boys!

A little about me and my life.

Growing up I was told that God was God, that you went to Church on Sunday and that was that. So that is what I did. And up until about about 2 years or so ago that was all fine with me for the most part. I will get to all of that in a minute. First I will tell you about my family. I have a great husband we will married for 9 years this April, he is very supportive. We have two sons Christian is 8 and Jonathan is 2. Christian has ADHD he is on medication for this and for the first time in his life he is having a hard for him in school and socially and that breaks my heart. Jonathan loves his big brother, he is a Mommy's boy. He is at that age where his feelings get hurt really easily so he runs of crying if you tell him no or yell him. And now for me, about a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia has turned my world on it's head. I didn't have a very fun pregnancy with Jonathatn, and they think that is what brought on the Fibro. Sometimes when I look at my son I wonder if I didn't have him would I still be well. What I good mother I am. I wouldn't trade a moment of my time with my son nor do I regret having him but I do wonder. But because of the pain from the Fribo I no longer work and I have had a lot of time to think and this is where I will start " How does God fit into my lift?"